If I am plugging away next to you at Barnes & Noble, don’t do these things:
1. Talk loudly to yourself. I always feel like it’s rude to not respond to you, especially when you speak in rhetorical questions–Where did I put that dictionary? Can you believe some people?–but you’re clearly having that conversation with no one in particular.
2. Breathe like you are snoring. I am tempted to jostle you awake, but it turns out you’re just way too zoned into that video game on your phone to notice everyone thought you were experiencing severe sleep apnea.
3. Make a weird phone call, forcing me to eavesdrop every single syllable. Anything medical applies here.
4. Dress cuter than me. I’ll be in sweats. Plan accordingly. Yeah, white skinny jeans and summer scarf, I’m looking at you.
5. Stare at me. I’ll take care of the staring around here, thankyouverymuch.
6. Be a high school couple. It takes every ounce of self control for me to not go buy you Bibles, condoms and Invisalign.
7. Play Gloria Estefan on the loudspeakers. Just…no. No, no, no, no, no.
8. Read something with an awesome cover. I just want to creepily make my way behind you to read a paragraph or two.
9. Read something I’ve been wanting to read. See #8.
10. Bring your child. I’ll feel guilty for ever leaving mine and get lost watching your 2-year old play with the trains. Major stranger danger alarm.